Before
by sue-sylvester-shuffle
Summary: Chandler understood even before Joey had forced the words out of his mouth. "No. No, you can't say that. Stop." Joey managed to get his words out just before Chandler could put his hands over his ears. C/J slash. Writer's block didn't kill me, yay!


A/N: This story originally had lyrics from Adele's 'Chasing Pavements'. I was asked to take them down. :( So, uh, just imagine the lyrics. Sorry guys!

Chandler was through with trying to convince himself that he was wrong. There was _no way _he could have feelings for Joey… _romantic _feelings. But although his conclusion shook him to his very core, he knew it to be true.

What if Chandler had been wrong to propose to Monica without exploring his possible relationship with Joey? He _knew _that Joey had feelings for him. Maybe not anymore, but he once had. Those feelings had probably died away when Chandler slipped his ring onto Monica's finger, but perhaps it was good that he was having the conflicted feelings that he was, because he and Monica weren't married yet. There was still time to change his mind…

Because it wasn't just a crush, and Chandler knew it well. He was in love with his best friend. And it drove him crazy.

He could never tell anyone, that was for sure. Not Rachel or Phoebe; they would gossip and gasp, and he knew that his face would be as red as a tomato in no time. Definitely not Ross; he was Monica's sister, and that brought him to Monica. She could never know. Not ever.

And then there was the impossible, and yet horribly possible- Joey himself.

_Cause it was not said to you_

_ And that's exactly what I need to do_

Maybe the iron hand clamped around Chandler's mouth wouldn't let him tell Joey how he felt, but he knew in his heart that it was the right thing to do.

That was how he found himself at Joey's door.

He raised his hand to knock, but then drew back, unsure.

"What's wrong with you?" Chandler grumbled under his breath. He _had _to tell Joey. There was still a chance- a small, glimmering sliver of hope- that Joey still loved him.

Clinging to that, he raised his hand once more, and knocked quickly.

Joey answered the door in his underpants. Chandler gulped and stared deliberately into Joey's dark eyes. "Uh, hi, Joe. Could I, um, maybe talk with you?"

"Dude, you picked a real bad time." Joey panted, leaning casually against the doorframe.

A female voice called from behind the walls. "Jo-jo, what's wrong?"

"Jo-jo?" Chandler repeated. Jealousy was twisting his mouth into a jagged line. He couldn't even laugh at the ridiculous nickname.

Joey ran a hand through his messy dark hair. "Coming!" he called into the apartment. "So, uh, Chandler… maybe you could come back tomorrow, I dunno…"

"I love you." Chandler blurted out.

Obviously Joey wasn't expecting to hear that. He stood up straight, staring at his ex-roommate with blank eyes.

"What?" he said finally, his voice breathless.

Chandler gulped, suddenly regretting opening his mouth. No… he regretted coming in the first place. What he had just done wasn't going to help anything; it would only hurt things.

Part of him wanted to apologize, to slink away with his tail between his legs. But he had said it, and he wasn't going to take it back.

So Chandler brought himself to look up into Joey's face yet again. "You heard me." he breathed.

Joey took a little while to respond. He glanced back, into the apartment, and biting his lip. Chandler wished he knew what his ex-roommate was thinking, although he could guess- he was comparing him, Chandler, and the girl inside, who called him 'Jo-jo' and who obviously wanted to be intimate.

Chandler was fighting a losing battle.

However, just as Chandler was beginning to give up, Joey leaned forward and threw his arms around his friend.

Chandler froze. He and Joey had hugged thousands of times before, but this time, it felt… _different. _And not just because Joey was just in his underpants. That just made it awkward.

No, it wasn't that. Joey was hugging him tightly, and Chandler's heart was thumping so hard in his chest that he was afraid it would fly out.

And then it ended. Chandler shivered at the sudden lack of warmth around him. His mouth felt as dry as sandpaper.

"I wish you'd told me before." Joey said softly.

"You can just tell that girl to leave, can't you, Joe?"

"No… not that…" Joey's eyes were sad. "I… I don't…"

Chandler understood even before Joey had forced the words out of his mouth. "No. No, you can't say that. Stop."

Joey managed to get his words out just before Chandler could put his hands over his ears. "…love you anymore."

Chandler's hands moved away from his ears and covered his face instead. "Oh God. Oh, God…"

"I'm sorry! When you proposed to Monica, I… I gave up." Joey continued. "It was hard, Chandler, it was _really_ hard. I just had to keep telling myself that you… You'd never like me like I liked you. And I moved on."

Chandler's knees felt weak. He felt like he could have crumpled to the ground, begging at Joey's feet. But he didn't.

"I knew I never should have come here."

"I have to agree with you there, dude." Joey murmured. Guilt stabbed at Chandler; he averted his gaze.

Joey sensed that he had upset Chandler. "But, um, I'm glad you got that off your chest."

Chandler ignored him. He turned around, refusing to meet Joey's eyes.

"Chandler…" Joey reached out his hand to grab Chandler's shoulder. But Chandler shied away from his old roommate's touch.

"Bye, Joe." Chandler said in a low voice. He left, feeling like he was leaving a little part of him behind.

Joey drew his hand back toward him. He felt awful. _Go after him, _his mind told him. _Just because you don't love him anymore doesn't mean you don't care…_

"Joey!" called the girl from inside of his room. Seconds later, she appeared next to him, dressed in a light sheet to cover her naked form. "Is something wrong?"

"No." he lied, running a hand over his hair. "I'm fine."

"Good." She smiled, and went back inside. Reluctantly, Joey followed her.

Later that night, Chandler arrived at his and Monica's apartment. His dark-haired fiancee was on the couch, reading a book.

"Hey, sweetie." she called out, looking over her shoulder at him as he pulled off his coat half-heartedly. "You're out late. What've you been doing?"

"Nothing." Chandler lied. "I'm going to bed now, alright, Mon?"

"Okay."

Chandler trudged into their bedroom and fell onto the bed, not bothering to change his clothes. He stared at the ceiling, Joey's words circling through his head like vultures.

_I wish you'd told me before._

Chandler did too.

end xoxo


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